Hi sunnyday!
My name is Sandra and I'm one of the Counsellors on the CS website. I can hear your pain. We often wish we could change our life history that has led to the pain and suffering our relationships are going through, but the fact is that we can't. We can only control and change the way that we act and respond to it.
It sounds as if there is a lot of hurt, resentment and judgment taking place between you. Just listening to each other without needing to clarify, explain or judge is a good start. Just listen to how the other person is feeling and gaining a sense of perception of their world from this can be very helpful to re-building the relationship. It is not easy to do because we as humans always want to fall straight into explaining our actions and trying to make people see where we are coming from, or jump straight into 'fix it' mode and try to make them feel better. Acknowledging and accepting that each of you are hurting in your own way without trying to fix it is a workable place to head for. You can't go back to how things were, they can't stay the same, you can only discover how you want your relationship to be in the future and be committed to finding what works for you to head in that direction.
It's not what happens to us that is often the problem it's what we think it means. You seem to be both trapped inside your thoughts about what happened and why it happened.
I suggest, if you are both willing, to re-connect with what brought you together in the first place. When we are hurting so much we get caught up in all manner of feelings and emotions and consequently we act out these in our behaviours. It's possible to recognise this and do things differently to achieve a different outcome. Re-connect with what you admire about each other? What attracted you to each other? What did you enjoy doing together? Just talk about what and why you were drawn to each other in the first place. You may just find that a place of mutual compassion will surface and you can build on that again.
What I have suggested here is not a 'magic wand' solution. The truth is it won't be easy re-building your relationship. You both have to decide and discover if you are willing and committed to working at your relationship. I wish you well and I will watch this forum for you should you wish to return. It may be helpful to discuss what you have tried, what has been helpful and what hasn't. But, this is your choice. We are here to listen.
Kind regards, Sandra